Caught in the embrace of a Grizzly

I love the way a hug can envelope the person being hugged, speak of comfort, joy, sorrow, empathy or security. For me, a hug communicates acceptance, familiarity and care. At the same time, I don’t often allow myself to simply receive and enjoy hugs. I take them for granted generally speaking. But not this summer.

A week and a half passed before I got so desperate for a hug that I asked for hugs from the Statendam’s polar bear and grizzly bear during a lull in the photography opportunities as people disembarked their cruise ship. The polar bear was a decent hugger but the grizzly didn’t let go when I did. A gentle joke about being caught in the grasp of a grizzly led to my release!

At that point it had become more about the physical act of being hugged than about being cared for. How sad, that I would be so hungry for touch that costumed strangers would be the ones to “satisfy my need.”

This summer I chose adventure and obedience. After praying since November about it, I hopped on a plane and flew to Juneau, Alaska to work for the summer. I’m living with seven other Christians that either still do or did attend my university.

In respecting the fact that my roommates are taken guys or simply uncomfortable with hugs—after a good deal of pitying myself for not having people around that communicate love to me as I am accustomed, I find myself contemplating yet again, the idea of Christ as the lover of my soul. He may not physically place his arms around me in Juneau, but I’m waiting for him to meet my heart. He will meet my heart.

The image that keeps coming to my mind on the issue of hugs, how solitude differs from loneliness and love, comes from a Henri Nouwen writing. The image of a trapeze artist swinging through the air, letting go of her bar and waiting for her partner to catch her has challenged me. Nouwen tells us trusting God looks like that woman flying through the air waiting to be caught. If she struggles or tries to grab the person catching her, she makes it all the more difficult to be caught. I’ve been looking for hugs, struggling to find love and affection. Yes, I’m a human being and it is okay to desire such things, but I’ve been grasping for the solutions, not waiting for God to grab ahold of my wrists and carry me. I choose right now to let God carry me. I choose to let Him carry me with all of my longing for acceptance, familiarity and care. I choose to let Him determine what those three things look like. I choose to let Him place me with a man that loves me deeply or to keep me single as a gift and reminder of how precious and perfect His love is. I choose to trust God to be as wild, but good as the beauty of this place He has brought me.