Very Pregnant and Scared

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant and just about to give birth. Me in my very pregnant state decided that I was scared of the pain and just didn’t want to have the baby, not like I wanted to abort it, but like I was out-of-my-mind-scared of the pain of childbirth.

Today I sent out the invites for a group to meet on campus and read the Bible aloud—together. I’ve been full of excuses for weeks. I’m scared to lead. I haven’t really led much of anything for about four years. I was still in high school. I broke my Facebook fast to invite 14 people, half of which I hope won’t show up because I don’t have seats for them.

I guess having a baby is kind of like starting a small group, or moving to Alaska for the summer to live and work with strangers. The pain in the process and the lack of experience scares me and I don’t know if people will show up or what it will be like or if they will stay. What I do know is that I’m in a place I can’t back out and when the birth-pains come, I won’t be alone.



“…Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”
Joshua 1:9

“Do not be afraid… I am your shield, your very great reward.”
Exodus 15:1b

A Confession

Last week I learned about Thomas DeQuincy's "Confessions of an English Opium Eater" in one of my classes. One of my assignments was to rename his essay. I decided it wasn't much of a confession--no contrition, no regret in his account of the things he had done. The following comes with a contrite spirit and a little bit of a defense of myself. I know I'm accountable for my actions, but hope that the whys might bring a little understanding. Regardless, the Lord's patience and forgiveness cover me and I can rejoice in that because I am free.

For the past year, I've visited a place called The INN on a weekly basis. I had a crazy hard year all the while, felt pretty insecure about coming into a new community as a former Bible College student and really wanting to be respected and able to make use of my talents and giftings. The desire to be used and the insecurity along with the fact that I could do very little about the chaos I experienced every time I walked though the door of my apartment put me in a peculiar place. The Lord told me to confront someone at the INN, I did and didn't stop there. I took my concern for the INN and brought it to a whole new level of criticism--the kind that doesn't please the Lord--non-constructive, judgemental prayer and talk with others. I dragged the name of this precious ministry through the mud for the sake of feeling like I had a degree of control over my life because I wasn't strong enough to constantly battle the wars in my apartment.

I was freed of my apartment and the situation I had created at the INN when I moved to Alaska for the summer to work. I became stronger. I saw the beauty of the Lord. I had a lot of time to be and not do. I came to myself. Then, I came back.

I walked in the door of the INN three weeks ago, standing tall, confident and ready to love that ministry. I'm having a Bible study on the side, pursuing a place on the Student Support Team, signing up for Fall Retreat, thinking about helping with the monthly worship night and looking for ways to lift her up, belong.

I'm a little older than a lot of the students--six years older than the Freshmen, but still feel this is where I belong. Why? For my own maturity? For the connections with others? For the INN itself? I don't know how much they will let me give, but I'll stand where the Lord lets me and do what he has asked of me.

And now, may the Father of all creation bring you into a maturity and greater intimacy with Christ as you go through your struggles in this life.




Update: At the retreat I mentioned before, the Lord told me it was time to go. When I wrote this, I was excited about The INN. I think the Lord knew I needed to be excited about it before I could leave and leave well. I'm in another good place now.

With Your First Love

Sometimes a gentle, warm, contentedness creeps up on me. Over the years, I’ve come to associate it with the Lord’s nearness.

I feel closest to the Lord when I’m driving. Like old men going fishing because they simply need that quiet, quality time with a close friend, sometimes I go driving with Jesus. It doesn’t matter if we catch any fish or go anywhere exciting together—it just matters that we are together.

A lot of people downplay the importance of feelings in Christianity. I, on the otherhand, don’t think there is enough emphasis on feelings. What was that verse about returning to our first love referring to? Did it mean loving Jesus with a methodical, routine, love so focused on commitment that it forgot to be in love? It was talking about the first time you fell. Remember just wanting to be with him or her? Remember wanting to memorize your love’s eyes, smell? The covenant-love brings such a safety, but it is the first love we are to return to again and again.

Get caught up the in the emotions. Run through the fields with Him. Make dinner with your love. Go exploring the city with Him by your side. He just wants to be—with you.